


A Comfort to the Soul

by Lenny9987



Series: Gaps in Canon [7]
Category: Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Book 2: Dragonfly in Amber, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-16 23:01:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5844334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lenny9987/pseuds/Lenny9987
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part of my Gaps in Canon series. Set during Dragonfly in Amber.</p><p>What Jamie was saying to wee Kitty that night he stayed up with her speaking Gaelic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Comfort to the Soul

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a conversation on gotham_ruaidh's Dragonfly in Amber Read-Along Forum.

The Gaelic proved effective in calming Kitty so it seemed natural enough to continue on in it as she lay wide-eyed and wide-awake in his arms, still as far from sleep as himself though he’d take the physical pain of cutting teeth any day over the wrenching of his soul that kept any sort of rest from finding him.

Jamie was sitting in a chair by the window at the end of the hall with his arms stretched in alignment with his thighs, and Kitty laid lengthwise along his forearms. It was the only position that allowed them both to glimpse the stars and moon through the window as the wind blew the clouds across its face. The shifting light mesmerized Kitty and her outstretched hands seemed to be grabbing at the elusive celestial bodies. What was it Claire had said about stars? _Some of the stars we see may be dead by now, but we won’t know it, because we still see the light_. 

“I ken ye arena likely to know or care right now about what that daft goose Prince Charlie has a mind to do. But as for me, I can think of naught else. I think of the men I must bring wi’ me to fight his war and wonder if I’m just seeing their light, if - because of me no being able to change the bloody, Bonnie Prince’s mind - they’re already dead.

“Of course they’re not - not really. I shouldna be thinking such things were it no for Claire and what she is. No, she’s no a fairy. I dinna ken what exactly she is in that sense. But whatever it is, she knows things and hearing her talk of what’s to come... It gets all mixed up in my heid sometimes.”

Kitty had turned from contemplating the moon to her uncle’s face as though she realized he was addressing her and she understood the necessity of paying attention to him. But she couldn’t help glancing and arching her back as she reached toward the stars, perhaps trying to make a point of her own. 

“Are ye trying to make me feel better by reminding me of my true place in the world? That it’s for God to pass judgment and no me? Wise ye are, lass, though ye’ll find it’s easier to theorize along those lines than to put the notion into practice - and I ken well I’ve plenty to be judged for. If it isna right to be judging myself harshly for what hasna come to pass - and what may _not_  come to pass if yer Auntie Claire and I can succeed now where we failed before - there are crimes I’m guilty of that even confession canna remove the sting from so I canna believe I’ve much hope of being spared punishment for them.”

Kitty yawned and her eyelids began to droop. He’d done it so many times since they returned - and had seen Claire do it so many times as well - but he couldn’t stop the impulse to do so once more. He calculated how old Faith would be if she had lived; if that foolish duel of his hadn’t pushed Claire to miscarry and she’d been carried to term; how much bigger than Kitty would she be now. He felt the familiar tearing sensation in his chest at the thought of Faith and the reason it was so much more difficult for him to picture her than it must be for Claire - he had never seen their daughter, never held her. He did nothing to stop the tears that slipped from his eyes and down his cheeks. If he couldn’t weep for his daughter at a time like this, when could he?

There was something unexpectedly soothing as he thought about her this time - she wouldn’t have to live through whatever came next. Kitty would be relatively safe at Lallybroch with Jenny and Ian, regardless of how Charles’ venture turned out - “I’ll make sure of that,” he promised in a whisper to a slumbering Kitty. Faith would have been... what? Left behind, obviously. He and Claire would not have been able to take her with them as they marched to battlefields. Claire might have stayed with Faith at Lallybroch were she alive - leaving him to face it alone. Or they might have had to leave Faith behind with Ian and Jenny - another mouth for them to feed, another body to clothe and for Lord knows how long. No, he would not have wanted Faith to suffer through such a thing though they would have figured something out.

“I didna want that for her - I dinna want that for _you_ either,” he whispered. “No for yer mam and da, wee Jamie or wee Maggie. I dinna want any of this for anyone - just for ye to be safe and happy... I wish ye wouldna need to ever know want or fear. I stand the best chance of saving ye from want if I stand a chance at anything - but even that will likely be more yer Auntie Claire’s doing than my own. Ye’d best get used to the taste of potatoes, lass, though yer Auntie Claire says ye can be eating them soon as ye are, that mashing potatoes is one of the best ways to eat them.” 

There was a low rumble in his stomach at the thought of food but it wasn’t enough to rouse Kitty. She had finally passed from a wakeful sleep into depths that were beyond the reach of budding teeth. He eased himself up from the chair, shifting Kitty in his arms as he carried her back up the hall. He paused before he decided to take her into his and Claire’s room rather than back to Jenny and Ian. 

Claire was asleep in bed as he eased himself beneath the blankets and lay Kitty into the warm pocket between them. Someday, perhaps - when they had made it to the other side of whatever was going to happen, though he couldn’t yet see the way through - someday it would be their child lying between them after a fussy night of teething. 


End file.
